THE RULES OF METAL

Follow these rules or go back and embrace your Justin Bieber collection!

          

 The Rules of Doom Metal

These are the rules you need to adhere to if you're a real doom metal fan!

1. Play Slow.

2. Play Real Slow.

3. Play Real Slooooooow!

4. Worship Black Sabbath.

5. Copy Everything Black Sabbath did.

6. Purple is the only colour you like.

7. Be a fan of century old paintings

8. Heavy riffs

9. Put a skull on the artwork.

10. Your guitar shall be down-tuned.

11. Be a witchfinder general

12. Tony Iommi is the riffmaster general.

13. Have a British accent.

14. Burn witches at the stake.

15. Sing about death.

16. Sing about despair.

17. Sing about doom.

18. Sing about witches.

19. Sing about wizards.

20. Sing about solitude.

21. Sing about drugs.

22. Sing about grief.

23. Sing about the void. 

24. Sing about occult rituals.

25. Be inspired by Fantasy.

26. Be inspired by mythology.

27. Wear a huge cross necklace.

28. Dress in Black.

29. Clean vocals.

30. Unless you're in an extreme doom metal band.

31. Be inspired by the gothic era.

32. You don't care that much about the post-Ozzy era of Black Sabbath.

33. You were born too late.

34. Have a bold logo that takes up half of the artwork.

35. Be fascinated with crosses.

36. Operatic vocals.

37. Epicus Doomicus Metallicus.

38. Wear robes.

39. Be a stoner.

40. Be fascinated with coffins.

41. Try to be Tony Iommi.

42. Even though nobody can be Tony Iommi.

43. Be a NWOBHM fan.

44. Solitude is bliss.

45. Your favourite bands are from England, U.S.A. Sweden, Finland and Italy.

46. Name your band after an old horror movie.

47. or after a black sabbath song.

48. Go out into the forest before taking a band photo

49. Or visit a cemetary

50. Wear long black coats.

51. Have a seventies psychedelic vibe.

52. Paradise is lost.

53. Wear your mom's old blouse.

54. Doom dance!

55. Put naked women on the artwork.

56. Have drug problems.

57. Be traditional.

58. Be epic.

59. Make it atmospheric.

60. Light some candles.

61. Have a big moustache.

62. Be into the romantic era.

63. Old English is your favourite font.

64. Have a christian theme.

65. Or an occult theme.

66. Be a fan of medieval times.

67. Be a fan of angels.

68. Be a fan of witchcraft.

69. Wear purple sunglasses.

70. Crows are your favourite birds.

71. You also like goats.

72. You are bewitched.

73. Your band logo has a wiggly font.

74. Sweet Leaf.

75. Sweet Leif.

76. Write long songs..

77. Be depressed and suicidal.

78. Like nasal vocals.

79. Generals gathered in the masses, Just like witches at black masses.

80. Smoke cigarettes.

81. Reverb!

82. Lots of reverb!

83. The video game doom has nothing to do with doom metal.

84. Wear a top hat.

85. Your live shows must look like a seance.

86. Use the word 'doom' in a lot of your songs.

87. Dress like it's the 19th century

88. Your favourite weather is pale and gloomy.

89. Your favourite pasttime is Sleep.

90. You're a fan of the devil's tritone.

91. Riffs are mandatory, guitar solos are optional.

92. Be a fan of old horror movies.

93. Your stage presence is that of a sloth.

94. Embrace Trouble.

95. Have thick hair.

96. If you miss the first hour of a doom metal concert,don't worry you've only missed the first half of a song.

97. Play a Gibson SG.

98. Your band has an neverending list of vocalists.

99. Write dark, dismal, dreary, sombre, murky, cheerless, depressing, miserable and moody songs.

100. Doom is impending!

 The Rules of Thrash Metal

Bangers take your stand and obey these thrash metal commands!

1. 1983 was year zero.

2. The bay area is holy ground.

3. Pantera is not thrash, it's groove metal.

4. Pants should be worn painfully tight.

5. Cliff Burton is a god.

6. Metallica only released four good albums.

7. Dave Mustaine wrote 'em all.

8. Thrash died in the early nineties.

9. Thrash was revived in the early 2000's.

10. Always play fast.

11. Always play loud.

12. Forgive the bands that experimentet with other genres in the 90s.

13. Agree with the facts is a better album than tempo of the damned.

14. Old school is the only school.

15. Never listen to glam.

16. Thrash is spelled with an h!

17. The 90s was a nightmare.

18. Rap and nu metal is the devil's music.

19. Bang your head against the stage and metal takes its price.

20. Bang your head against the stage like you never did before.

21. Ballads should be kept at a bare minimum.

22. If you lose your hair, grow a creative beard.

23. Complain about sellouts.

24. Acoustic guitars are only for intros and outros.

25. Keyboards are not allowed.

26. Stagedive!

27. Don't swim in cold lakes.

28. Everything that is good or evil started with venom.

29. Wear white hi-top sneakers.

30. know the meaning of the word 'teuronic'.

31. German thrash must be more brutal and less refined than american thrash.

32. Don't sing about things that don't exist like mythology, dragons and emotions.

33. Don't wear make-up

34. Have long hair

35. Respect the big 4. but be a bit annoyed when people keeps referring to them all the time.

36. Have your own version of the big four where you replace Anthrax with Testament or Exodus.

37. Dislike Rob Dukes era of Exodus.

38. Like Robb Flynn pre-1993.

39. Dislike Robb Flynn post-1993.

40. Respect Jeff Hanneman

41. The same goes to all other fallen heroes.

42. Sing about failed politics, death, toxic waste, society, 

struggles, evil, war or how it is to be a thrash metal maniac.

43. Zombies, videogames and pizza lyrics is mainly for revivalists

44. Respect old dinosaurs like Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Dio, Judas Priest and Motörhead.

45. Respect NWOBHM.

46. Doom, death, black, speed, power and heavy metal is also great.

47. 1986 is the (un)holy year.

48. R.I.P. Lemmy, Phil Taylor and Fast Eddie Clarke.

49. Denim and Leather is always fashionable.

50. SSSSLLLAAAYYYYYYEEEERRRR!!

51. Canadian bands are always underrated.

52. You need to own a denim vest.

53. Good Metallica album features one instrumental song.

54. Flemming Rasmussen is good, Bob Rock not so much. 

55. Be fascinated that a band from such an exotic place as Brazil can be as good as any American or German band.

56. Dislike grunge for killing thrash.

57. Miss the days when MTV was good.

58. Respect the Influence that Punk and Hardcore had on thrash.

59. Thrash or be thrashed!

60. Act like a maniac!

61. Band shirts are cool.

62. Patches, studs and button are good for decorating denim.

63. Be annoyed by teenage Metallica fans.

64. Practice what you preach.

65. All good songs need a guitar solo.

66. Ed Repka is your favourite artist.

67. Christian or satanic metal, who cares.

68. Fuck posers!

69. Shadow's Fall, System of a Down, Machine Head and Lamb of God are NOT thrash metal bands.

70. Double bass drumming, baby!

71. Avoid blast beats.

72. Always enjoy the debut album more than the bands most recent album.

73. Speed Kills and that's a positive thing.

74. Anger is OK, As long as it's not St. Anger.

75. Respect the Metal Massacre compilation albums.

76. Be conservative and dislike everything that is new.

77. Be too old to understand what a wall of death is.

78. There is no such thing as a thrash ballad.

79. Anvil and Exciter are cool, but not thrash.

80. Don't be afraid of colorful logos and artworks.

81. All logos need pointy corners.

82. Vinyl is the preferred way of listening to thrash.

83. Be against streamind and downloading music, but do it anyhow.

84. Have the highest respect for Megaforce, Metal Blade, Roadrunner, Noise Records.

85. Dislike every song that Metallica has recorded since 1991.

86. Don't go into battle without a bullet belt.

87. Respect tape trading even if you have no idea what it is.

88. A bad production can be a good production.

89. If you have dreadlocks you can't play thrash.

90. the same goes for mohawks.

91a. Know thhe difference between clash of the titans and thrash of the titans.

91b. Celtic Frost and Coroner are from Switzerland, not Sweden.

92. When trying to be tough, stand with your legs straddled.

93. Try to look insane, when someone takes a photo of you and your friends.

94. Modern, Glam and Grunge are curse words. 

95. There are only three instruments, guitar, bass and drums.

96. Being and looking happy is not OK.

97. Sepultura is not Sepultura without Max and Igor Cavalera in the lineup.

98. Mosh!

99. Peace is for Sale!

100. The Saw is the Law!